Friday, July 27, 2012

Good grief

I miss my Mom.
I miss her so much that sometimes I feel like my chest is caving in.
I miss her when I'm shopping and wish she was with me. I miss her when I'm driving and I get the urge to call her. I miss her when I finish a book a want to give it to her to read also. I miss her when I'm tidying up my house and think of funny places she put things when she helped. I miss her when my daughters do or say something adorable and can't wait to tell her about it. I miss her when I feel the pain my Dad and brother feel. I miss my Mom when I argue with my husband and know she'd understand. I miss her when I'm in her home and she should be too.
I miss my Mom right now and I'll miss her forever.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Endless Love

 A day or two after my Mom passed my Dad and I were cleaning up a bit... he was actually working his ass off in the garden and I was just moseying around the house trying to find ways to help : )
While I was sniffing around in her closet I noticed a sweater that my brother and I had gotten her had slipped off a hanger and was crumpled on the floor. I picked it up to rehang it but there wasn't an available hanger. I went and checked another closet and all the hangers there were also in use. I rolled my eyes at the idea that every hanger they own was occupied. ugh. I checked the coat closet in the entry way where again, all the hangers were full. On one of the hangers there was a grocery bag filled with a handful of envelopes. In my Mom's handwriting the envelopes were labeled, "hollyhocks red, hollyhocks pink, hollyhocks coral, hollyhocks white, ect..." It was nice to see her handwriting and I really wanted the hanger so I showed my Dad the hollyhock bulbs. He seemed a little in awe and said that he was just thinking he needed to plant hollyhocks in the garden. I smiled and said, "she'll probably talk to like that for the rest of your life." Dad put his hand over his heavy heart while he put it all together. He told me that those bulbs had to have been hanging there for at least a year and I told him how it was only hanger in whole house.
I felt like she was playing us like Monopoly pieces. Dad in the garden trying to keep his mind busy. *plant hollyhocks* Me snooping around in her closet. *find hollyhocks and get them to Dad*
It warmed my broken heart and reminded me of what she always taught me. There is just a thin veil between our worlds and the more open I am to this kind of communication; hopefully the more I will feel it.
I miss my Mom everyday and tears find my eyes multiple times each day. I hope it hurts less soon. But I am grateful for the way she raised me and comforted by the idea that she is still with me.
Six days after she passed I got a tattoo in honor of both my Mom and Dad and their endless love.
I was browsing the internet mindlessly one night while my Mom was transitioning and came across a stunning image that reminded me of my folks. My Dad has always called my Mom, "fox" or "foxy"... it didn't matter if she was young and fit, middle-aged and heavy or literally dying... she was his Fox.
When we were much younger I also remember my Dad being called "King of the Mooseheads". And getting him little stuffed moose toys and Christmas ornaments.
The original image was of a fox and an elk. I found the artist's (Andy Kehoe) on-line shop and was floored to learn to the print was called, "Together at the Threshold". My brother and I ordered the print for my Dad and I contacted my tattoo artist with the idea. Luckily my wonderful husband was already on the books and gave me his appointment. My artist changed the antlers to moose antlers, placed the silhouettes in a frames and surrounded them with hollyhocks.
I have heard it is unwise to make rash and permanent decisions while mourning but I am absolutely thrilled with my tattoo and know I always will be!... it is a good thing however that I have an IUD ; )