Thursday, April 19, 2012

How much is too much?

How much personal information is too much for a public blog? I think I'll be towing the line...
I think of this blog as many things; a journal, a baby book and love note to my girls and a fun little glimpse into our daily doings for friends and family. I typically just post about the sunny things in life but lately my family has been weathering an awful storm.
When I first posted about my Mom's cancer I tried to stay as positive and upbeat as possible and I continue to do so day to day but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified.
Cancer is wreaking havoc on my mom's body. Out of respect for her I won't mention specifics but I will say that it is hard to see the condition she is in at times. I'm happy to say that this has been a good week. Last week... not so good. She was hospitalized most the week and was fighting just about everything imaginable. Primarily breast cancer which has spread to her liver, heart problems, fluid retention, a bladder infection and even thrush. I think I have always known my mom is tough lady but my goodness... amazing is no understatement. She was released on the evening of her 61st Birthday and has been doing well at home since.
My mom is an awesome woman that would do anything for her family. When I got pregnant with Charlotte, Jake and I had just relocated from Donnelly and had lost our health insurance. I got a job with a local bank with the intention of scoring insurance but they only offered me part time, thus no bennies : / Pregnant, looking for employment and without health insurance isn't a great place to be. My folks run a successful family business and my mom actually split her job and salary with me as a way to get my ass insured : ) The job grew into a perfect, primarily working from home situation that I've held for almost four years now.
My mom's current job is to get better. The family at work has really stepped up to cover her position so that she doesn't even have to think about work and can focus on healing.
I tried to step up and take on more responsibilities at work while simultaneously spending more time with mom; hanging out, helping with errands and appointments, etc. My little family of four is always my top priority and I ended up feeling like by trying to do too much I was failing at everything. (that may sound mellow-dramatic but it felt so true.)
It wasn't an easy decision but I recently decided to leave my position with the family business. I wasn't doing any good by falling behind in my work load and since the job really has turned into something that would require a full time employee they deserve to hire in that kind of help. I just can't be it. *deep breath*
I am thankful that I have had the luxury to keep the position while I search for another job. Ideally something part-time, that offers benefits and has childcare... too much to hope for? Let's hope not. I.have.a.plan.
Cancer affects everything. Jake typically works on the road during the summer but has opted to stay in town because he recognises that we'll need him in the flesh. This is starting to come off whiny but fuck it... that's a huge part of our livelihood that we're walking away from.
I'm worried about so many things right now. I'm worried about my mom. I'm worried about my dad. I'm worried about finding a new job. I'm worried about health insurance. I'm worried about finances.
But what good does worry do?
Everything will work out because it always does.
The support system in place is truly inspiring. Everyone we love wants to help and does <3
We have everything because we have each other.
We are riding a crazy roller coaster together and I know they'll be more good days and bad days ahead... hopefully more of the good!
Sorry for the word-vomit and we'll be back to the regularly scheduled sunshine soon.... it's just good to get it all out sometimes.


Coey said...

May the strength you have in your word carry you through this time. May you take the moments as they come for they are precious. May you live with in those moments. May you make memories that will carry you through a life time. You are wonderful and can word vomit on me anytime.

Carly Cannon Pannell said...

I haven't seen you in forever, but I think about you a lot..probably because I see your grandma all the time:) I'm so sad for your mom - tell her she's in our prayers..when I say our, I mean the whole Cannon family:)

Juliann said...

Well, one thing is for sure--you are an awesome mama, daughter, and friend. Plus you look hot in the last picture you posted. You are an amazing lady and deserve the best. I hope you find a job soon--if i hear of anything i will let you know.

Shannon said...

Tara! I just discovered your blog via instagram & may or may not have become a little bit hooked. Consider me an official (stalker) follower. i also just read this 'word vomit' post & it broke my little heart. i had no idea that your momma was enduring cancer. i'm so sorry lady. please know that you and your family will totally be in me & my husband's prayers from now on. it may seem strange, but maybs just from hilla being with ryan for so long and you and i being cheerleading buds (remember those days? remember those sick, puke-double-puke, rotty-little-rot fleece zip up fur ball sweatshirts we got when i was a sophy & you were a june, & we slid across the basketball court floor on our tummies in those thangs like we were going down the slip & slide? do you remember that? i TOTES do. pure hilarity. dude, you were my favorite.) ... because of ALL that, i sure do love that little McCall family and wish the very best for you all. i shall pray my heart out for ya. oh, p to the s: your post wasn't 'too much'. sometimes it's actually comforting to hear a good dose of someone else's reality, pure & uncensored, mostly cuz it helps put things into perspective, helps you realize that EVERYONE is human, everyone has problems, and no one is chipper & positive & happy 100% of the time. so in other words: you're FINE. props to you for being so strong. you are RIGHT: everything DOES always work out. it does! you just keep choosing to believe that sugar. blessings to you and your cute family...

Shannon (Eyre) Willardson